YAY.(:
i changed my blog skin. :3
DOMOKUN!
i no longer understand what im waiting for. or maybe its just what i deem as waiting.
i told you to read my blog. you said you will. but in truth, i dont know if you did.
maybe the fact is you really dont understand me. and vice versa.
and thats all that matters.
i dont understand why my mood fluctuates so easily cause of you.
its as if the remote control of my emotions is no longer with me,
and its already in your possession. and i hate not being in control of myself.
everyday from monday to friday im waiting for a call from 930-1030pm.
it has become a habit such that i try not to pick up calls during that time.
when frens call, i try to call them back after 1030.
but usually, the calls dont come.
i know your busy. and often tired.
and im trying to understand, but it doesnt make me feel less hurt.
and i really feel so stupid for making the effort sometimes.
every sat, i try to find excuses to get out of the house.
and almost everytime i go out, i argue with my mum.
but what seems to happen is we just walk on our own, as if we didnt know each other.
i admit part of the fault is mine.
sometimes i just feel so mentally drained that i really cant pick up the mood to talk.
and all i need isnt words.
just a hug, or just holding my hand will really make me feel better.
but it doesnt happen.
and i know part of that is my fault. but it doesnt make it hurt less then it is.
and every week, when you book out, i feel bad that im not able to go to pasir ris and fetch you.
and i anticipate talking to you.
even when we go out we tend to do things more and dont really talk.
and i miss the times when we could talk about anything in the world.
but it seems those days are gone.
gone when studies came along,
gone when ur upset that i cant go out,
gone when i cant be bothered to take the initiative and call.
and now im killing myself waiting for the call to come.
every weekend. and it always doesnt come.
and somehow i think i have given up hope.
but i know some part of me is still waiting.
i know im giving myself an excuse. that i should be the one calling you instead,
since im so busy complaining i should just grab the phone and dial ur number.
but after a few weeks of calling and realising how busy you always are when ur out,
i figured maybe i shouldnt bother you anymore.
that day, at the suntec convention, i felt really upset.
and maybe thats what triggered the tears.
the onslaught on tears that couldnt be stopped.
when we were in the convention hall, when we got separated by the crowds gushing forward,
suddenly i could feel the physical distance and the mental barrier between both of us.
and slowly i realised, i have picked up my mask that i have left so long ago in cedar.
i start to go back to my life, doing my stuff, back to the days when i lived my life without you.
and when i meet friends, i smile, laugh and joke.
when you talk to me, i pretend im ok.
and i guess i am. because i have numbed myself already.
such that i cannot feel hurt, cannot be upset by things like that.
but deep inside i know im still waiting.
and maybe also waiting to see when i can wait until.
maybe sometime later i will realise i am not even bothered anymore.
"we are afraid to care too much, for fear that the other person does not care at all"
